A large majority of my time is spent undoing some of my thinking and the subsequent feelings that arise out of that thinking. Lets call it the self-centered wheel. It’s mostly comprised of cynical thoughts from feelings of frustration and inadequacy and it loops forever. Until I get to a “present moment” place of here and now and what’s going on now. Then I can attach to happy and joy and get out of the wheel. Sometimes.
Last Monday night, I married my friend. And what I can describe adequately as one of the best days of my life. Yes, there were moments where things weren’t quite right. But overall, everything was perfect, everyone had a good time and all the planning, cajoling, hysteria went away for this perfect evening. I followed some friends advice and let it all go. I took that moment that Kevin walked up to get me to walk up the aisle and looked at him and knew this was all about us and our love for each other. And that we chose to be with each other. And that it wasn’t forever. Life is finite, it can all end tomorrow with a car accident. I remember everything, I remember each moment, and I had the best time!
It is a beautiful thing. And I have been feeling and surrounded by this love from everyone. I have yet to experience something like this and now in this feeling, in this breath, in this time I have right now, I’m choosing to stay here. In the love. In the joy. In the peace. For as long as I can.
I just spent a great deal of time purging my inbox, sent items and trash from one of my emails. Note the term ‘one of my emails.’ I have several. And it’s all about to get a little less complex when I change my email address. You see, in attending a bridal show where you have to give your email to win prizes, etc, they give your email address to EVERYONE. So I have been getting regularly spammed by them and the rest of the wedding sites (i.e. David’s Bridal, The Knot, etc) whose “partners” are also sending me emails. I was going to change my email address anyway but this just prompts it to happen more quickly.
In my former life, we used to keep emails. We kept records of what other people sent us as it sometimes was necessary to create a ‘paperless’ trail of events that happened, find out who did what and when and why, and sometimes, letting people know that they were notified of said policy, event, etc and why didn’t they do what they were supposed to. The list is endless on why we kept emails. Some even printed them out and starting keeping files. I think now of what all of that information did. And most of it did nothing. One place in particular I can think of kept tremendous amounts of that information for naught. The players are now all gone, the people who are there could care less and everything applicable to why we kept the information doesn’t apply anymore.
In my current life, I have a bad habit of keeping emails in my inbox for a long time. It starts with it’s something I need to respond to. Then in turns into a to-do list. And then it becomes another thing I look at and wonder why I’m keeping it. So today, I purged. Deleted. Removed. Found all the things sent and deleted them too. Unless it’s something that I’m going to follow up on, then I need to follow up on it. Today. Not wait, not question, but follow up on it today. If it’s something I need to refer to later, such as an email from a film producer and I’m waiting to get a copy of said film I was in, then I file it in my “acting” folder. Some day I’m going to purge those folders too. Because someday, I’m not going to be here anymore. My stuff is going to be someone’s responsibility to clean up and get rid of. They’re going to wonder why it was important to me and what exactly did it pertain to. I’d rather not have that burden of sifting through my junk be on someone’s shoulders. Because most of it won’t matter any more.
I think of old beliefs and thoughts that come up from time to time and do some purging there. There’s a big pattern of holding on to things. Whether it’s from family or not, it’s my job to purge them. It’s my job to remove and put things in the trash. I don’t even have to examine where they come from or what they’re doing, I can just delete. Sometimes they are a little harder to delete and other times, it’s like saying goodbye to a wart, thank you for nothing and see ya! My active practice of reflection on and off the mat helps me do this. I make room for other things. Like freedom and space. In my mind, in my life. Room for peace.