The Sum of All Years

fierceI got this fantastic idea from Bonnie Gillespie whom if you don’t know and you’re an actor trying to work, you need to just go down the rabbit hole of her website and all she offers.

The Sum of All Years is a writing exercise in which each year of your life is described in the number of words for that age.

For now this is the past three but I would like to do this for each year and if I do, I will update this post!

44

Learned to slow down the hard way.

Surgery. PT. Weight gain and loss.

Healing is never ending.

Gave myself opportunities to grow and others followed suit.

Directing. Producing.

Stopped taking shit (see healing)

The compassion I cultivate must be for myself first.

Fully focused.

 

43

Financial freedom is attainable.

Sometimes you have to say no and goodbye forever.

Boundaries are not meant to be broken.

Fringe. Laughter. Friendship. I got your back.

Pismo Beach. Jeff getting married. Indy Film. Webseries.

There is so much I have to offer.

42

Calendar Girls and taking sexy back.

Learning the painful truth about teachers is key to evolvement.

Yoga Journal Conference, old and new friends.

Some people have sad endings and there’s nothing you can do about it.

After Holiday travel magic in Vancouver.

Mahalo

Sunrise at Kalani

We’ll start at the end of the journey: the last sunrise at the Point, where we would all practice qigong and then walk back to the Hale and practice together for the last time on this journey. The tears flowed at the end of this practice, it would be saying farewell for now to some old and some new friends.  But it would also be saying goodbye to this place, this very special place.

Kalani is on the eastern shore of the Big Island of Hawaii.  From the Point, the horses would be grazing in the grass, fruit trees and flowers lining the path on our way back to our temporary homes.  The first day, I remember thinking ‘oh I could never live here, this isn’t home’. By the last day, it was a tearful good bye. The road to Kalani, winds along lava rock shores, sometimes enveloped with trees and hanging vines. The lava field at Kaimū

It’s an interesting feeling to be on land that  that once was a town, or was once under water less than 30 years ago. It’s like you’re seeing something out of a sci-fi movie, but it’s your planet. It’s also the realization that it can all be gone in an instant, mother nature always wins.

There were moments of intensity. My body resisted practicing, my joints hurt, the mind would not commit at all. It was like I was detached from everything, and yet, showing up still. My teacher Arturo talked about this, when you go in with expectations and you show up and it’s not like it was before or fun or relaxing or whatever your adjective is for your expectation.  The point is to stay with it, it’s not always passion fruit and peace.Kīlauea

And we did show up to do yoga….

I just don’t think we were supposed to do it inside the Thurston Lava Hawaii2013 080tube, but I wasn’t alone in my ridiculousness.

We practiced together, ate together and went on shopping trips to the middle of lava fields together. Yes, we did. We laughed a lot, at our orientation we were warned of the wild pigs at Kalani. The destructive creatures would root up plants and destroy habitat, got the nickname of ‘delicious criminals’.  We found secret thermal pools and plunged into scary ocean currents at times, well, some of us (me) plunged right back out.  We shared food, and our thoughts. We discovered the surface was a false advertisement to riches of coral and sea life in tidal pools. And sometimes, ‘disappointment’ turned into beautiful experiences.

The last night, I went to the pool and saw one of the singing frogs in my path, perfectly still, frozen in fear. As I lay in the pool, looking up at the glory of the stars and the milky way, clearly visible in this land without lights, contemplating the vastness of the universe, and how we can’t all be just here.

Ganesha The first day, a beautiful retreat center, an open airy room, a symphony of frogs, insects and birds to sing me to sleep.

Expectancy, met with obstacles, internal and external. The body not willing, the mind, barely there. But who is on the altar but Ganesha….

By the last day my heart opened.

It would take a big push. It would take a big one.

Later on the path back from the pool, another frog, still. Not moving. Staring off. Got my attention, as would a few other things.

When I got back, I looked up frogs and their symbolic meanings:

  • Cleansing
  • Renewal, rebirth
  • Fertility, abundance
  • Transformation, metamorphosis
  • Life mysteries and ancient wisdom

There’s not a bone in my body that doesn’t know this to be true for my life right now.

Shades of Green

I fit the term “green eyed monster” a little too literally.  Lately, it’s pervasive not just in eye color but in mental states as well.   And I have various reasons for it’s justification.  Things not going so well, I can look towards the ‘current state of blah-blah-blah and look at blah-blah and it’s crappy that blah-blah and they don’t deserve blah-blah’ and well it’s become the blah-blah-blahs.  Jealousy is a seldom admitted but often feeling that is so unattractive and leaves me petty and miserable.  And yet it disguises itself well.  Root of it, well, that’s where the murkiness lies.  Insecurity, small mindedness, sense of some sort of loss, low self esteem, but ultimately it’s roots are somewhere in ‘I’m not enough-ness’ and in that state, well, it’s a sorry place to be.  But as humans, we can trace the roots of jealousy all the way back to infancy.  Studies have show infants as young as five months exhibit traits of jealousy
So what can I combat this with.  When I look around at the current state of blah-blah.  A gratitude list is one way.  Being grateful cultivates a state of happiness.  If there is something that I want in another person or circumstance, wanting it, not coveting it, creates a state of lack.  Can I adjust this to a feeling of ‘this is something that I can attain and I am grateful.’   I’ll get back to you on the rest, for now, the human experiment continues….

Training Day

So in getting “ready for the big day” there is this urgency or felt urgency to “get in shape.”  And this time of year brings out the commercials of “Get in shape for summer” or “get your bikini body ready.” 
I don’t really feel out of shape.  In fact, I’d say that I’m in pretty good shape.  My love reminds me daily of how buff I am.  But somehow the chord of neurosis is struck when thinking of “fitting into my wedding dress” when, actually, it doesn’t matter what size that dress is, because, I haven’t purchased it yet!  Somehow, the self acceptance and comfort that I have is replaced by the desire to get to my 17 year old self and become “thin again.”  What is “thin again?”  And what does that mean?  To get back to my 17 year old self would be like taking up stretch pants, smoking cigarettes, bleaching my hair beyond recognition and waiting for someone to love me who probably doesn’t deserve my time, energy or my bleach blonde hair.  To get back to my 17 year old self’s weight is like wanting to replace all the muscle that I have with some fat, start eating junk food that will surely send me to the gastrointenstinal specialist and create such anxiety that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs will eventually make their way back to breakfast and after dinner mint time.  Yes, been down that road thank you.  I have no real desire to get back to that 17 year old self, so why would I want my body to go there?  What “ideal” am I clinging to that makes this somehow desirable much less attainable?
At the end of the day, what truly matters is that the person that I am marrying knows what I look like and loves it.
At the end of the day, we’ll be married.
At the end of the day, ultimately, we need to love ourselves enough to be able to love someone else.
This is the Training Day.