life – Jennie Olson Six

The Sum of All Years

fierce I got this fantastic idea from Bonnie Gillespie whom if you don’t know and you’re an actor trying to work, you need to just go down the rabbit hole of her website and all she offers.

The Sum of All Years is a writing exercise in which each year of your life is described in the number of words for that age.

For now this is the past three but I would like to do this for each year and if I do, I will update this post!

Learned to slow down the hard way.

Surgery. PT. Weight gain and loss.

Healing is never ending.

Gave myself opportunities to grow and others followed suit.

Directing. Producing.

Stopped taking shit (see healing)

The compassion I cultivate must be for myself first.

Fully focused.

Financial freedom is attainable.

Sometimes you have to say no and goodbye forever.

Boundaries are not meant to be broken.

Fringe. Laughter. Friendship. I got your back.

Pismo Beach. Jeff getting married. Indy Film. Webseries.

There is so much I have to offer.

Calendar Girls and taking sexy back.

Learning the painful truth about teachers is key to evolvement.

Yoga Journal Conference, old and new friends.

Some people have sad endings and there’s nothing you can do about it.

After Holiday travel magic in Vancouver.

5 stupid poems

Writing Fail

Writer’s Block
leads to pounding head on keyboard
insane debates between the voices in my head
and full fetal position

yeah…..let’s keep doin’ that.

Turtle

What is most unfortunate
is that I was not born with a shell
to pull my head and body into
to hide from that which threatens me.
Instead, I was born with soft skin
thin in places and bruises easily
my knees are permanently scared.
But I can move slowly
deliberately and with purpose
and remind myself I don’t need
a shell to hide from the world
I just need too slow down and take it all in.

5 7 5

Adds to seventeen
Sometimes pure frustration leads
To a clear moment.

Kevin Six’s Famous Last Words

I would only have sex with her once just to say that I did.
You are to obey me in a Christian Household.
We live in a Christian household and you as a good Christian wife are to do that for me.
Pretty much anything that starts with “Christian Household.”
In case anyone wonders why….

When the World Blows Up

When the world blows up
will anything need to be said
or remembered or done
other than to grab each other
and go….

National Poetry Month – 9 and ten

Nine
You had blonde hair
buck teeth with a huge gap
big round thick glasses that welfare would pay for
and the development of self-consciousness
this would not go away for decades
and leave you with self-destructive tendancies
and deep shame of simply being alive
coming from the man who abandoned you
but was never really there to begin with
the one who would fail to pay for your braces
so your mother had them scraped off
and you watched them spread back apart
and grow crooked again.
But what this left you with
besides the scar you’d heal yourself
is a memory of you and your best friend
in the bathroom
trying to get her retainer to fit into your mouth
connecting paperclips with failed attempts
to keep your pretty together
and a reminder of when you were young
you were kind to each other
looked out for one another
and kept each others secrets
if only to give each other comfort
and show you what love really is.

Early

Still dark still sleepy

Too soon for night to say bye
yet here calls the day.

@2013 Jennie O6

Remember when the world was new

I saw a friend’s picture of her daughter’s first grade class. It was the official school picture, you know, the ones with the teacher standing to the side and all the kids are lined up by height in rows. Except in this picture, the teachers allowed them to make the silliest faces, just brilliant. It’s more than adorable. And it just reminded me of what it was like to have the school picture taken. And that my mom would spend time ordering the pictures. And that it was a big deal to give one of your pictures to someone, like Grandma and Grandpa. To get dressed up and make sure that your hair was right because who knew that your hair could actually be wrong? And wearing your favorite pink shirt was awesome even though it may have been a size too small and stained by chocolate pudding. Who cares, I’m wearing my pink shirt! And just how big a deal it all was.
It reminds me of how happy I was as a kid. How exciting it all was. What I had for lunch, did we get to play a new game today, what happened on the bus ride home and we were going to go on a field trip to the fish hatchery! Everything was so exciting.
It reminds me that once, I was very excited about life. And I still can be. Can I begin again? Tasting raindrops, feeling the wind on my face, smelling the ocean, getting all dressed up to go to THE MALL, going to see a movie, writing a poem, petting my cat. Not just getting excited about one thing, but all things. Experiencing the taste of life. It’s all we have. And once, it was everything.

Life on life’s terms

Sometimes things can be very overwhelming. Bad news in the media, at work, at home, in the neighborhood can make life seemingly unbearable and sometimes even horrible. There’s a tendency sometimes to oversimplify, throw out suggestions such as ‘make a gratitude list’ or even shine over what is going on. While these have been things that I have done or throw out, they are not really dealing with what is. I believe that the essence of the statement ‘Life on Life’s terms’ is recognizing the ups and downs on the roller coaster of life. We are born into this life and we will all eventually die. Whether we believe we will come back or not is irrelevant to the process of dying and grieving that those who remain will experience. There will surely be someone in our lives who will make bad, even horrible choices and their decision to act on those choices will affect our lives and the lives of people around us. Whether they are politicians or lone gunmen, we all have to live with those decisions. So while these events go on, and seem to go on forever sometimes, where I choose to live is in the now, allowing myself to feel the emotions that come up as a result of these events and staying present with them. By staying present with what is, not projecting what the future holds but rather allowing myself the experience as unpleasant and grieving as it is, I acknowledge what these events are. I create space for myself to be just a human being in this place called Earth, and know that I am here to experience what life has to offer, sometimes unkind and sometimes unpleasant. I know that sometimes all that I can control, is what I choose to respond with.

22/30 April is National Poetry Month

Empathic

– the ability or capacity to recognize and sometimes share in the feelings of others.

Told by a therapist long ago that I was very empathic.
I feel sometimes, too much.
Sometimes it is too much for me to look into the eyes of another human being and see what they are feeling.
If they are suffering or lost or in pain.

I, want to tell you it’s going to be ok,
not because I am a pollyanna and believe that it’s all going to be ok,
but because I want to relieve your suffering.
I know it’s deep.
I know that you’re at the bottom of that pit of dark ocean and you can’t breathe,
your life boat sank,
There is no rescue coming.

I look around lately and see sinking ships,
not because I have a skewed view of doom and gloom and looking for bad things in the world,
because that is another disorder and I have gone through that one thanks,
but because I recognize the pain and suffering in others as not something “temporary” or “passing”
because although I know “this too will pass”
it’s the equivalent of a avalanche of boulders falling on too precious, fragile shoulder blades,
clipping the grass with fingernail clippers and tweezers trying to make the yard in the prison
look pretty for someone…..

It is not the sky falling,
nor the dark side of the moon,
nor the world ending
but all of these things and more
happening at once to people,
not just good people but all people,
at the same time breathing the same air and breath and life,
wondering who is punishing them,
who makes up these stupid rules,
who will finally make it stop.

There isn’t any one being creating this tidal wave.
There isn’t a judge that decided it was your day, your time, your life
it is not your turn, your choice, your mistake, your stupidity
and even if it was all of these things
there are others that didn’t decide to get up this morning,
pour themselves a cup of coffee, eat their breakfast, take the car to work and get shot on the way from another person who decided breakfast this morning was bullets.
Still more that decided today was going to be the day to do something about it,
to take that time off, take that vacation, go see the folks
only to get that call that the person they want to see the most just didn’t wake up this morning.

This morning is no different from any other mornings
and yet boats sink,
tides come,
people fall away,
and never come back.

When the rip tide comes and washes you away to sea,
remember to swim across.
Swim across.
You make no progress up or down as it drags you out,
you’re going out, all you can do is swim across,
paddle, breath, paddle and breath, and wait until you cross the tide.
The tide will take you out,
it’s what it does.
You will get back to shore.
It’s just going to take time.

20/30 April is National Poetry Month

Nineteen

“It’s the last year of your teen-aged years” she said,
I was going to marry her son
Thirties, two children and a drug habit that would take him from everything.

I didn’t know that.
I also didn’t know that love didn’t come on the end of acid filled tongues,
rageful fits of thrown items across rooms,
squeeling tires peeling out of driveways,
in other people’s beds one did not belong,
and violent threats against my family.

I did not stay.
I eventually left with nothing,
a car that didn’t work,
no money, no self-esteem,
but you can’t compete with cocaine and sex-addiction.

I wonder sometimes how many are nineteen,
and leaving the best of their teen-aged years in the hands of those who don’t care,
don’t feel enough,
don’t really want anything but to control them,
only to give that up in the end when something else catches their eyes.

What I would say to them?
You are wise beyond your years,
your eyes, your lips, your smile, your heart will move mountains,
but I know how deep that hole runs in the center of your soul,
and that no one ever told you how much you are really worth,
and I know their voice speaks louder than any god,
and how waiting for them to say magic will take up most of your time,
they’ll never say it, I can guarantee that,
coming from one who waited for years until she realized she had to say it to herself.
So if you find yourself unable to wait any more,
spent most of your time on tears, empty promises and scar tissue,
Happy Birthday,
It’s going to be unbelievable.

Poetry

Many times in a yoga class I have either read poetry or quotes or had poetry read to me. I went on Friday to an amazing slam poet Buddy Wakefield whose work really touches my soul.
The past few days, that experience included, has really brought me into a new frame of consciousness. I’m shifting paradigms here don’t get crazy about the twenty-cent words, it’s just a new shift and the last time I shifted and felt this sense of awe and wonder and excitement the world smashed and it was a little bloody and broken. And I don’t think it was that I was in line for the punishment and the karma but the universe had something bigger in mind and I was settling for the great un-great. If you’ve ever settled for some great un-great, mediocrity doesn’t describe it but good enough with bandaids stuck to it and some toothpicks holding it together with the smiles and nods you’re getting from someone who you want to love you sounds familiar then you know what I’m talking about in this long sentence. So the rubble which was my house upon the sand became the pathway to the place I stand today. With the universe saying here’s some new shoes and a key chain and a light, the rest is golden, enjoy the new ride.

There is a universal song that is being sung in various notes and to various keys. And I think we’re listening in. I think we’re tuning in because it plays the chords on the strings that are found in the fibers of our very being and so we know the song to be true. Laugh, breathe, believe…..

Christmas thoughts

A complicated time of year. I went into a store yesterday and became very, very, present. I made my way slowly, patiently and carefully through a crowded parking lot and a crowded store. I watched as people often mindlessly rushed through, if you weren’t watching where they were going, they were going to run into you. And then there were those that were not mindless but intentionally “I will mow you down to get through this store.”

I saw a quote today on Judith Hanson Lasater’s Facebook Page “No one has to change for you to be happy.

What I saw was a lot of people. A lot of different people. There for different reasons. Some a little more miserable than others. But a lot of people similar to me, politely making their way through a very busy store. When there’s more of us around, we can see bad behavior. But we can also see our inner light. The ones saying “excuse me” or smiling or allowing people to cut ahead in line when they have fewer items. It’s been my experience that whenever I feel like that I’m not going to get what I want or what I think I deserve, or be cheated out of something that I act exactly like that and it pervades my consciousness and therefore the interactions in my life.

Yesterday, my heart opened a little wider. Maybe someday, we’ll all get what we think we need. Or realize we have exactly what we need right now.

Peace & Blessings to you all.

The big unknown

I had a friend pass recently, unexpectedly to everyone except for him. In the days preceding his death, he passed along a box to a neighbor saying if he didn’t make it back give it to his family. When friends went out to his car to get it in the parking lot, all of his vehicle titles were on the front seat. His home was in complete order, except for his storage buildings which are apparently a complete mess. He was a pack-rat, had multiple items that he had picked up for free or nearly free and had a lot that he had given away but a lot that he kept. He was known for getting amazing deals on everything. He had given me (2) toasters at one time, I think he had six of them. So in cleaning out the outbuildings, his family and friends are finding an abundance of stuff, all crammed in with other things that are possibly important. Which is, post-humorously, humorous. As though he left everything important and the rest to give his family and close friends a good laugh. Including leaving the toilet clogged, knowing his best friend would have to unclog it.

We all have different beliefs and faiths about life after death. We have different thoughts and these get tested when someone close to us passes. We question ourselves, our beliefs and in our mourning and loss, ponder our own existence. Where will we really go when we’re gone and is there anything beyond this carbon-based existence.

My friend was an athiest. He had had prior poor experiences with various religions that made him not belief in anything. Which, in my opinion, is a beautiful place to be. When given the choices of junk, choose none of it. We had conversations. One of the ideas that he liked that I shared is that the universe has an order to it. There is an order that alludes to the possibility of an intelligence behind that order. My astronomy teacher had said that when we looked at the stars and the heavens and how math and physics play such a huge part in our ability to see that far. As we evolve in our knowledge and consciousness and see outside of this planet, exploring beyond our own boundaries and borders, both physically and spiritually, we continue this evolution.
The more we try to define and categorize, the more our definitions and categories will define us and then eventually become obsolete. Can I continue to look at the world with awe and wonder, reaching beyond what I know and giving in to the possibilities? The unknown.

Death is the big unknown. It is the very thing that we will all have to contend with. The experience that at this point, we can’t share with others on the physical plane. Or so most of us think. As the days and weeks go one, I will be listening for those things that can’t be verified but may very well be my friend communicating with us from the great beyond. Or maybe there will be none.

So my message although not entirely original is this “So long Wade and thanks for all the toasters…”